I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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