just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
