I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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