I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
