The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
