On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
