if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I had to cum in my sink.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
