it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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