I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
