is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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