is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
