My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
