hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
someone owes me an orgasm
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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