Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
