I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
