In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize