I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
