Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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