me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
They have beer where we have blood.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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