We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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