Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
