The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
