if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
