Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
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Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
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