1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
