I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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