he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
