broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
