that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
