sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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