We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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