I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
