We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
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just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
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Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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