Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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