i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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