good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
