I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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