watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
