My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
