You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
