I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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