i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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