the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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