I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
