So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
