meet me or not, i'm out of control
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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