There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
50% drunk capacity currently
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
