Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
