my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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