My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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