I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
