Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
